It has come and within a few hours it will pass... this day, her day, is a rusted blade twisting in my stomach, digging deeper with each thrust and the bile consumes me from the inside. It is the worst day of the year... the day my heart dies just a little more. You've heard me mention other days that were extremely difficult for me, like March 15 for example, but this day... it's rated number one on the suffering menu. "So let me guess... it's about a woman, obviously since you said 'her day'. So what could this delicate flower have ever done to you that causes you so much suffering?". Well, yes, it is about a woman and no, it's not about what she did to me... not in the least. Today is her birthday, that's why it is such a painful reminder... not of her, but of me. My closest understanding and concept of love is being used when I say, I don't hate her at all... I love her. That in itself is a terribly confusing truth... the ins and outs of what love really is and the lines that separate the differences between such loves. This day should be about her and the wonderful person that she is... somewhere in my twisted mind this day became all about myself and the disgusting piece of filth and rotten flesh I've become. It's a reminder of the people I've hurt, especially her, both directly and indirectly in her name. I have been the root of much suffering to several people... both hurting her and hurting people with her. The sorrow is overwhelming and the knots in my gut feel as if they as going to bust. I lay in bed crying, begging for it to all go away... desperately clinging to the thought that I need to die to begin to make even the slightest bit of redemption. How could I have ever done those things? I remember each instance like it was only yesterday, and every time I look upon my face I want to smash the remaining life out of those hollow eyes... I need to rip it out, rip it out! I spoke to her today, as I always do, and she said, "I love you"... the words that melt away the hardest soul, only cause me incredible grief and sorrow. I don't understand it, I can't feel it, and I certainly can't accept it... what is love and why, oh why, would you waste it on me? After everything I've done... I can't be the only one that remembers, and I know the choices that were made impacted our lives forever. Perhaps it is just a common courtesy... words that fill the void with expected tones but have no real meaning to themselves. Either way, I fucking hate me... if I had any real courage at all, I would stick a dagger through my throat once and for all. I just want it to stop... for the love of God, make it fucking stop! All I can say is, I am sorry... so very and sincerely sorry. Fuck...
I think the courage is in being willing to look at what love means to us. I say us, because I relate to your words very much. I, also, have wounded many people who have tried to love me. I don't know what love means.Part of me doesn't believe I'll ever know. That i'm npot capable of knowing. Not deserving...I also believe that the word itself has been so distended and blown out of shape by overuse and misuse, that many folks don't know what it means. Some of us, for different reasons, haven't got our brains wired for knowing what nurturing (which is a great part of love) means. Believe it or not, I have learned much about love from the animals I've rescued. And also, I don't love myself, so how can I love another? It goes deep, and the awareness is the first step to the healing, I believe.
ReplyDeleteI strongly agree with your wisdom here... how can we understand love if we can't give it to ourselves? Loving yourself is such a difficult thing for me to... an impossible task that sickens me in the mere attempt. As you stated, just the word "love", has been so overused and abused that it just seems so empty and void of emotion... it's probably the most common word among drunk people and religious folk. Say the word "fork" about 15 times really fast and that is about the same level of meaning the word "love" has from most people's lips.
DeleteI DO believe that someone can learn about love from animals... they are the very definition of unconditional love. Yes they love us, to some degree, because they depend on us for their care... most mostly it's because they are pure and innocent creatures that love just for the sake of loving. I too, have learned so much about love from animals... basically everything I know about it, actually. They are the closest thing I have ever experienced love with... and sometimes, I think it will be as close as I will ever get.