1013 And Vitamin T

First of all, I want to apologize about the lack of entries lately... the small amount of energy and drive I usually have for writing is being used up by this photo project. It seems impossible to get out of bed most days, which means I'm not sitting at my desk pouring my mind onto "paper", as it were. We're hoping as time goes on, I will develop a routine that will allow me to write more frequently... "want in one hand and shit in the other", as my Grandmother used to tell me. At any rate, I appreciate and value all of you that come and visit with me... deciphering the madness from tangible information.

Things have gotten a tad better... I'm trying to be optimistic here, so just go along with it, huh? There have been a few times of laughter over the past few days... usually during "tense" moments of violent, horror movies. Doesn't everyone find themselves laughing every time someone gets killed? The moments of wanting to kill myself are becoming further spread apart... rather than hours on end of being tormented and taunted into inserting a knife in my throat or in my bicep, then ripping it down to my wrist. Despite the misery of the recent reminders... not once have I found myself lost in tears over it. Perhaps I was too depressed to cry... is that even possible? The will and desire to write is just about gone... even the desire to play my video games is gone. I used to play them all the tie as a form of therapy... digital therapy I called it. But it's been dry... no rainstorm of obsession or desire to sit at my desk and lose myself in an RPG. In addition to rotting away, we've been smoking a lot of cigars lately... too many actually. I had to put in another order for some despite my limited budget... I just find them so soothing and therapeutic. It certainly has nothing to do with the fact that I'm an avid tobacco aficionado... okay well that's not quite true, it might. I just love smoking...whether in my pipe, cigars, hand-rolled cigarettes, I fucking love it. The rituals, the long drags, the release of chemicals in my brain... it's the total experience, fucking brilliant! I'm sure it sounds stupid or perhaps hazardous... but I need to have something that soothes me in this world. Something that gives me pleasure and interest enough to continue pressing onward...she used to love the smell of tobacco on my chest. Simple memories that can gut a man into a putrid mess... replacing warm scents with ripping flesh and blood stained, cotton flowers.