The Reflection You Fear

We rise, some in the morning and others in mid-day, each with our mirrors to look upon. For one, they look boldly ready to face another day... proud of where they have been. For another, with a sigh they begin to apply their mask and shield... the perfect plastic face to guide them through another concrete day. Then there is me... it has been years since I could stomach my reflection in the mirror. I have weathered too many storms and countless victims... as my innocence was stolen, I have become a thief to reclaim what was once mine, robbing others. Circles, the perfect and most balanced shape... deep within built of spirals, spinning and turning destined to repeat itself once more. It never stops... perfection. Dizzy and sickened, I wonder how much longer I can withstand this memory and shell. Asking myself why I held on this long... how I long to be taken away. I have tried to wear this mask in attempts to learn the wonders I have missed... the face below rots, the mask can not remain in place. It was a fool hearted plan for I see beyond the mask... I see you and everyone else. Years ago, when I claimed my victims and reveled in the thought of them being with me forever... never would I be alone. If only, I had truly understood what that meant...

An Open Letter...

Data, data, data... we need more data. No, the incessant ramblings from the choir do not count... shut the fuck up, you don't have a say in this matter! Breathe in... it's out there. The past several nights, I have laid awake wrestling over the thoughts and theories... where did I go wrong exactly? What act raised the water, swirling it up into a vomitus squall of emotion? Somethings are never so neatly answered and other times elusive. So here we find ourselves, in this silence... this deafening silence. There must be some way out of here.

Several weeks ago I made an attempt, an awkward invitation as I put it, to initiate a friendship with you... no agenda, just a meeting of the minds to someone I felt was a genuine person. You accepted and things seemed to be off to a rather good start... which surprised me because my social skills are quite inadequate. Then things just stopped. I continued to write to you a few more times and never heard back from you. At first, I thought this was due to you having a busy schedule... time moves differently for me so it is really hard to determine with any accuracy. Soon, my beloved choir began singing me the tales of woe and how I managed to ruin this friendship while the seed was still freshly planted... the soil turned sour by the plowman's hand, my hand. No need to get excited... these words fled my mind to be replaced with all sorts of things I did wrong. Now I am at a loss and in mourning. Tears swelled in my eyes late last night as I lay there wondering how, what, where, when... no answers followed. Emotions were swimming in my head... in the sea of madness. True, I don't understand emotions and I have a very difficult time recognizing the differences, but I do feel them... deep, they cut me deep. Crying over something I really didn't have... I haven't earned the title friend, things were so new. It was the idea of having a friend inside this silent world. Throughout my life, I have collected many acquaintances... people you meet at work or school. You wave and smile, add them to your social network pages, but in reality all you really have are smiling icons... a nice, neat, little collection. Friendship-honesty, loyalty, openness, hope, joy, trust, companionship... the land of milk and honey. Uncertain on what I should do, I write this open letter. Perhaps you will read it one day and know my intentions were pure. Regardless of the silence, my opinions of you haven't changed. I approached you because you seem to be a kind, thoughtful, appreciative and sincere person... one with morals, values and integrity. If only I knew what the future holds. Fearful of writing you again directly, I stand by the wayside. Left, right or down the middle... perhaps we shall cross paths once more.

"There must be some way out of here", said the Joker to the Thief.
"There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief."
"Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth."
"None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."

Where Do We Go From Here?

Just when you think you can't possibly handle any more, life has a way of pushing the envelope just a wee bit further... slicing your cold flesh as warm butter. In April, I discovered that someone very close to me had been stealing my SSI... final amount taken before realizing this offense, $2,280. In December of last year (2009), I was final approved for SSI due to my schizophrenia and my beyond fucked up back... I had tried to apply back in 2002 when I was no longer able to work due to my various mental illnesses. Needless to say, when I was finally approved after I had given up so long ago, I was very relieved and finally started to feel like I was worth a little something. In short, this money represented my "manhood" in a sense. I went to the bank and withdrew my years worth of back pay a few days after the deposit cleared and stored the money for safe keeping in my closet... soon I discovered the rats in the banks also lurked inside the walls of your home as well. Seeing how I don't allow many people in my life, due to my severe paranoia and trust issues, this was more than a betrayal... in fact there are no words to describe the impact this had on my life and how damaging this was to my relationship with this person involved. After much debate and thought, I decided this particular relationship was too important to cast into the void... so we began traveling down the jagged road of reconciliation. Things seemed to be getting better in a manner of speaking, although far from repaired. This person agreed to get a job in their limited free time to begin repaying the money little by little... now 6 months has passed and that has yet to happen and frankly, no efforts to do such have ever been made. Well, today we had a conversation about some "oddities" that have been occurring... for example, they have been spending a lot of money for someone that doesn't have a job or any means of income. I started the conversation with, "Are you familiar with the story, 'Alice In Wonderland' ? "... let's just see how deep this rabbit hole goes, shall we. It turns out, this individual has been stealing my pain medication (Dilaudid) and selling it to people to support their spending habits and luxuries... please insert knife here and twist. I was at a loss for words when this information came to light and even now, I can't begin to describe the impact of such a revelation. I wanted to lash out, I wanted to spill blood... but perhaps they knew I wouldn't and that is why they confessed. There is a good reason why I keep people out of my life.. mainly because I can't handle the disappointment and betrayals that seem to come along with relationships of any degree. If anything, I am grateful that I escaped the irony of being re-payed the debt of my stolen SSI money with money earned by stealing and selling my pain medication on the side... thank goodness for good, old fashioned selfishness and greed.

An Informed Junkie

On the sides of my pain medication bottles are delicate, yellow, lovely labels... do not crush being the one always sings a little louder. The reasoning behind this, one can only guess, but I am assuming it has something to do with the narcotics being released too quickly into the body. Take with food, swallow whole, say a prayer and hold on to your fucking hat. I chew my medication, deliberately... quickly releasing it's soothing effects on my mind. The chills, as they wash away... I am warm once more. The choir has to take a bow, for this is a solo act... no accompaniment is needed and your previous additions have been so delightful. Silence, now. Breathe in the still, stale air... thick with smoke and melancholy. One pill is the maximum dosage for 8hrs, say the friendly reptiles at the pharmaceutical grocery... start with one and slip away, with two or three it all goes away. The waves will rise once more and they shall return to center stage... to dazzle the audience with their opinions and commentary. Can't I enjoy the silence just a little more... I am so tired of the singing. In this empty opera house, the only sounds you can enjoy are my screams and the singing of my rapists.