Where Do We Go From Here?

Just when you think you can't possibly handle any more, life has a way of pushing the envelope just a wee bit further... slicing your cold flesh as warm butter. In April, I discovered that someone very close to me had been stealing my SSI... final amount taken before realizing this offense, $2,280. In December of last year (2009), I was final approved for SSI due to my schizophrenia and my beyond fucked up back... I had tried to apply back in 2002 when I was no longer able to work due to my various mental illnesses. Needless to say, when I was finally approved after I had given up so long ago, I was very relieved and finally started to feel like I was worth a little something. In short, this money represented my "manhood" in a sense. I went to the bank and withdrew my years worth of back pay a few days after the deposit cleared and stored the money for safe keeping in my closet... soon I discovered the rats in the banks also lurked inside the walls of your home as well. Seeing how I don't allow many people in my life, due to my severe paranoia and trust issues, this was more than a betrayal... in fact there are no words to describe the impact this had on my life and how damaging this was to my relationship with this person involved. After much debate and thought, I decided this particular relationship was too important to cast into the void... so we began traveling down the jagged road of reconciliation. Things seemed to be getting better in a manner of speaking, although far from repaired. This person agreed to get a job in their limited free time to begin repaying the money little by little... now 6 months has passed and that has yet to happen and frankly, no efforts to do such have ever been made. Well, today we had a conversation about some "oddities" that have been occurring... for example, they have been spending a lot of money for someone that doesn't have a job or any means of income. I started the conversation with, "Are you familiar with the story, 'Alice In Wonderland' ? "... let's just see how deep this rabbit hole goes, shall we. It turns out, this individual has been stealing my pain medication (Dilaudid) and selling it to people to support their spending habits and luxuries... please insert knife here and twist. I was at a loss for words when this information came to light and even now, I can't begin to describe the impact of such a revelation. I wanted to lash out, I wanted to spill blood... but perhaps they knew I wouldn't and that is why they confessed. There is a good reason why I keep people out of my life.. mainly because I can't handle the disappointment and betrayals that seem to come along with relationships of any degree. If anything, I am grateful that I escaped the irony of being re-payed the debt of my stolen SSI money with money earned by stealing and selling my pain medication on the side... thank goodness for good, old fashioned selfishness and greed.