Needing To Feel

There is so much I remember.... the good, the bad, the happy, the sad. I remember how you'd get upset and refuse to come to bed until it was made the way you liked it.... or if dinner was served even one minute late. You'd scream and cry.... your body would begin to shake. Bedtime was a ritual.... you'd jump on top of my chest and scratch away at anything in your way. Once satisfied, you lay down across my neck and chest... sometimes sitting waiting for more attention and sometimes just falling on to your side and quickly falling asleep. I remember how you'd have to know where I was at every moment.... always within site. I remember working at my desk and standing up to go somewhere.... when I had returned, you'd be fast asleep on the warmed cushion. I would always move you out of the way and try to place you within you pet bed. I remember the names I called you... some out of anger, some out of love, some just because I'm an asshole. Fat Fuck, Cock Sucker, Mother Fucker, Cock Muncher.... then there was Andicus, Beautiful Baby, Baby Boy, Sweetheart. I know there are many more, I just can't seem to remember them. Perhaps part of me doesn't want to remember.... part of me wishes I could take back every scream or curse word I'd throw your way. I wish I could go back in time and let you sit in my lap more often. I remember when we first met.... you look at me through the window and your eyes exploded... you saw something worthy inside me. Yes, the ride home was scary and you did hide for quite some time.... but the bond began to grow the very first night. You  walked around my head, as I laid on the floor in your room.... the purrs started right away, but it took a few days for you to trust me enough to make contact. God Damn, you could purr loud.... it was like and engine. Sometimes you'd even add in a few whimpers and other adorable noises. I remember picking up up and playing "air guitar" on your tummy. Or teasing you with those Temptations treats.... you really loved those. I remember your favorite food, the way you liked your litter box, the way you run around in excitement after eating chasing the things only cats can see. I remember teasing you with your food, telling you, "Sing for your supper, Baby Boy". After a day or two of that, you quickly learned and it was something you'd do every night... whether I asked you to or not.. Sometimes it would drive me crazy, and I'd get mad at myself you ever teaching you annoying trick.... God, I'd give anything to hear you sing for me one more time. I remember your eyes closing for the last time, as I held you head in my arms, and you left this world. I remember burying you with all of your favorite things... a scarf, your blanket, the "stink toy" and the "alpha toy", a can of your favorite food, and an old bag of your favorite treats, "Backyard Barbeque" flavor. I remember minutes after I had finished burying you, people were trying to get me to the hospital, due to a Lithium overdose.The staff and doctors all thought it was a suicide attempt and said I was lucky to be alive... but I didn't feel lucky. I told them I took the pills to calm my nerves because of how special you were to me... that you were my only connection to unconditional positive emotions. I told them you were my world.... but they didn't understand.... they couldn't.

I wish I could go back in time and do things differently... kiss you more, hold you longer, got another opinion from another doctor..... something, anything. It's selfish, I know. I know you were in pain.... but you also gave me so much love and attention. Many people told me that you refused to leave this world until you knew I was going to be okay.... mentally stable and clean. I just fucked up so many times, that the tumor out grew my will to grow up and live. I am so sorry, Baby Boy. I am sorry for everything..... I sorry I murdered you. I miss you so much.... I still see you running around out of the corner of my eyes. I would do anything for one more day with you, just one.... but we all know the truth behind that statement- just another day, please? Enough is never enough. Fuck. I miss you, Andy. I fucking love you. I still make the bed the way you like it.... hoping you'd come back to me. But I know you can't. I am so sorry.... so fucking sorry. I love you, Andy.... you will live in my heart forever. Goodbye, Baby Boy.... your Papi loves you.

Rehab Prep

Feeling emotions, actually feeling them and processing them.... is far more painful than any chemical withdrawal I have ever experienced.

-AF

My Immortal

 By : Evanescence

 

 I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
 
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me