I Swam Inside Tuesday's Tear

Another day of therapy and another step to understanding myself and those within... our friends, enemies, and lovers imbedded in the grey matter of reason. Despite her constant urgings, I failed to initiate 0808 today as planned by Diana... I didn't have time to discuss this particular adventure with my doctor today, so it has rejected by the choir and a moment of lucidity. I can hear her softly weeping, even over Richard's cackling... it pains me on the inside and out, her sorrow and my neglect. While I was today, I made an appointment to see my other doctor to discuss and hopefully raise my depression medication... the results are still less than desired and I am struggling to see the point of continuing. Of course there has been progress... I don't feel compelled to end my life in some gruesome fashion everyday. Not everyday, but still at times. In other news, my birthday is quickly approaching again... it's on Friday and I am not so eager to see this day come into being. It's not a matter of age or vanity... some crisis pending on how how I've become or such nonsense. I could care less about those kinds of thoughts... there is no place for such trivial matters in this cluttered trash bin. Besides, age means nothing at all... it's not a factor in determining someone's maturity or lack there of, nor is it a limitation to feelings and understandings. It's just a number of rings twisted into the flesh... it all rots, just the same. If anything, age can limit the number of adventures we allow ourselves or others to experience... purely out of ignorance or fear. Perhaps this year will be different and something spectacular and wonderful will happen... like waking up with the ability to feel or getting crushed by a roving semi. I suppose both option have their equal taste of excitement and wondrous awe... like a flickering lamppost, the emerging patterns and possibilities are endless. The part I hate the most is having to smile and thank people for their empty, lifeless affections and accolades... the inability to feel the love offered is an insult all in it's own. I know, we'll make a party out of this unfortunate experience... you bring the bodies, and I'll prepare myself for the feast of humiliation and the entertainment of sorrow. Wouldn't that be rich? I spent the afternoon pondering the motives of my cat... deciphering the intense glares being passed my way. Whether he tries to kill me, lash out, or merely purr with a full tummy... I always see him the same. My closest understanding of emotions and humanity. It's tea for two this afternoon... and the worm continues to turn.