Where would we be without our support systems? Not just in reference to the mentally ill, but in general. Whether you are a doctor, head engineer or drooling idiot... we need support. We rely on it, or them, as the case may be. I have mentioned before, that a support system is the key element to my survival... so say, the men and women of white coated fame. Living with Schizophrenia is not something I can explain or something anyone can really learn about from reading... you have to live in this nightmare to begin to understand the madness. Sure, lots of people know lots of wonderful things about us, the afflicted, but how clearly is that all defined? Yes, these are the symptoms... A, B, 3. These are the treatments... pills, support, therapy. But what does that mean? Now that you know the symptoms and treatments... are you prepared to understand what all of those things mean? Auditory hallucinations for example... you hear voices that aren't really there, but you think and believe they are there. Simple. "Snap out of it you fucking whiner and get over it already!! There are no voices talking to you!"... move on, next. Oh, if only that were true. Yes, technically the voices aren't real... but to those that hear them and are crushed daily under their thumbs, they are real. They are there... and they don't want to leave. You can't wish it away... there's no "snapping out of it" bullshit here. Taking medication can remove the voices, but in my case and for many others, I am certain... this isn't an option. We have lived this way for so long, that living another way isn't possible. The last time I went on medication to remove the voices, I became even more so depressed and suicidal. They may not be good company, most of the time... but something is better than nothing at all. The point is... I can't explain to you how severe of an illness this is... it's something you have to live with or witness to begin to understand.
Forgive the side track there, we were talking about support systems. "Technical support, technical support!"... I fucking love that movie. Why can't it be that simple... where is my Vanilla Sky? Without support, things begin to crumble... thrashing about themselves like fish in shallow waters. My doctors told me not too long ago, that the reason I was as functional as I am, is because of my support system... without them I would be homeless, living under a bridge in a dampened cardboard box, covered in my own feces and proclaiming my undying love for rotten meat. Well, that is really the whole point of it all isn't it? The long stories and explanations... every road is leading somewhere. In my world, trust isn't easily obtained... yet, I am forced to trust and rely on people every single day. My family members and the other interlopers that dwell within these walls from time to time, are supposed to be protecting, helping and watching over me. Lock the doors, check for fire, water leaks, running appliances, computers, lights... please! If they don't, it takes me hours upon hours to do all of these things... checking the entire house for issues and security breeches. When you see me scratching at my arm, searching for something... please come look at it and assure me it's okay before I start cutting chunks of flesh out. If I haven't eaten in a really long time, don't sit there and yell at me about it and accuse me of having an eating disorder... help me get some food. The the road leads here... my support system is failing. They don't understand and aren't helping me... they live with me most of the time and yet they don't understand. I have a house full of checks to do, I forgot to take my medications on time, I don't remember the last time I ate and right now I have blood pouring out of my arm because I can't stop cutting at it. I sit here alone in my room suffering, while they sleep... waking them isn't an option, this night is for me and the choir to handle. It's just us, we and them... watching the water spurt, as the levee breaks.
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