The Stain Remains

Have you ever committed some heinous act... something so putrid and vile that the mere thought of it makes you retch? In those moments, where do you find yourself... looking for forgiveness or so mortally and spiritually wounded that you feel unworthy of such? I suppose it would it be easier to find yourself untroubled, humored even, and the acts somehow are erased from your being. For most, that isn't the case... it's either forgiveness or grievance. Most, I suppose, seek some kind of repentance, which leads to forgiveness... forgiveness from the other party, from yourself and perhaps your higher power. It's normal and accepted... the appropriate measure, one would think. But what of the others... the ones begging not to be forgiven? Is it because of the act... something so reprehensible, that it doesn't merit such a blessing as forgiveness? Or is it because they are so sickened with themselves that they feel unworthy of that absolution? Perhaps it's both. People say that we are all worthy of second chances and amnesty... especially when they are the ones seeking such a service. Personally, I think most are deserving... if there is sincerity and obvious remorse. As for myself however, I feel a stricter sense of obligation. I am one of those that begs to not be forgiven... it festers inside of me, making a point of reference. I don't want to forget the pain and suffering I have caused... things forgotten tend to resurface. I need the reminder, no matter the cost, to keep me from making the same mistakes... however this system is flawed, proven over and over again. It begins to rot deep inside, the stench overcomes you and your every thought... soon, the reminder isn't enough. Torment becomes necessary. Perhaps it is because I truly hate myself or maybe these events are what led to this affirmation. Still, I find myself wondering... what does this mean? My hate reflects onto others and they become walking mirrors... blinding me further with the illusion that they, in turn, hate me as well. Perhaps they should. What does this say about myself? Am I a monster because I believe it to be so... or because, in fact, I am?