I have been trying to get some answers and understanding regarding my mental illness for quite a long time... whether from researching the topic online or in books or speaking with my therapist and doctor, the results have been fruitless. The common answer I get is, "Hmm, I'm not quite sure.". So perhaps there is someone that will read this and may have an idea... it's worth a try. The only thing I have found to be certain is this... there is too much misinformation out there and not enough fact!
As you all may already know, I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia This includes all the other wonderful sub-symptoms like severe depression, anxiety, dissociation and social withdrawal... to name a few. However, I have another symptom that no one can give me a name for, thus no further understanding... no, it is not a delusion either. It has been confirmed by my doctors as a real symptom, but that's about it... I need more than that. I need to understand it, so I can learn how to cope with this illness to the best of my abilities. The best way to describe it is as multiple personalities, but NOT in the traditional sense... more like partial personalities. People with DID / MPD have entirely separate personalities. Based on my limited amount of knowledge of this subject, the core personality is absent while the other personalities are active. The core personality loses time and has no memory of what has been taking place during that time frame. The alters have different personalities, memories, talents, fears, speech, mannerisms and even sexual orientation. They are separate people living in one shell. These alters are generally created because of some trauma... the core person couldn't deal with the events, so the mind splintered into a new person that could deal with the situation. It was a means of controlling, surviving and dealing with those events of severe abuse. Remember, this is just my understanding and I am not claiming to know the specific details and facts here... please forgive me if I am incorrect.
The way my therapist has described it to me is this... it is as if, I "almost" splintered into other personalities, because of the severe sexual, physical and mental abuse I suffered as a child. These "almost personalities" are an active part of my life... when situations arise that I am not capable of dealing with, they "deal" with it. However, I do NOT lose time, in the traditional sense, usually, and I am completely aware of my surroundings and what is happening... but on occasion, I have lost small pieces of time where I have no idea where I have been or what I have been doing. In most cases, I have been doing things I didn't want to do but was powerless to stop them from happening... like a puppet being manipulated by it's master. At other times, they have done things that I desperately needed done, but just couldn't. Here is a good example. When I go out into public, I don't make eye contact with anyone... I always stare at the ground and avoid as many people as possible. I don't shake hands with people or look them in the eyes if I have to talk to them and I am nervous to the point of a heart-attack. A few weeks ago, the car broke down and I needed to decide if investing more money in the car was a good or bad idea. After everything was said and done, it was determined a replacement vehicle was the best option. This meant going to the bank and speaking to someone about a loan... an impossible task. I became very upset and didn't know what to do, other than it had to be done. I stepped aside and someone else stepped up to take control. I went into the bank, completely calm and started asking questions. A man walked up to me and extended his hand and I shook it, then he invited me into his office. The entire time, I made eye contact and acted and spoke with professionalism... never once staring off at the ground or rocking back and forth uncomfortably. The entire process lasted about 15 minutes... which ended with no financial help of course because I am disabled. The point is this... that behavior wasn't normal. For that entire time, I was in essence, letting one of those "partial personalities" deal with this situation. I was fully aware, but my part in this adventure was merely a spectator... I remember being fully at peace and comfortable. When the immediate crisis was over and I was safely home, I returned to "center stage"... and the usual behavior returned like clock work. For that time, I was someone else... set free from the nightmare of my mind and illness. This is but one example, there are other times when crisis has arisen and someone else had to "take care of things".
I am frustrated that my doctors can't explain what this is all about... so, I turn to the audience. Other then them telling me things like, "partial personalities" and "almost splintered", my questions haven't been answered. If they could give me a name or diagnosis, then perhaps I would have better luck in researching it more and thus understanding it better. At any rate, if anyone has any thoughts... please share them. Even if your thought is, "Shut the fuck up!" and "You're so full of shit!" ... anything is better than, "Hmm, I'm not quite sure".
before i respond, i wanted to say hi, i came across your flickr stream kind of randomly the other day and of course then came across your blog. my name is brit, anyway, nice to meet you.
ReplyDeletenow for my comment.
i know exactly what you mean here. i've often wondered the same thing. a few months ago i read this book written by someone with DID called "when rabbit howls" (great book by the way), and it got me thinking a lot about DID, why it happens and if there are different levels one can experience of this disease (or whatever you wanna call it as it's rather hard to describe and especially categorize because it is fairly new and has a lot yet to be explored).
basically i came to this conclusion (and of course this conclusion is probably incomplete, i never really think my theories on things or ideas are complete because new information is always coming in... so it has room for change or maybe being completely scrapped)...
maybe DID is really just the most extreme result of something that is within all of us getting messed up to the degree that it does the way it does. maybe everyone has these different personalities within them, but they vary on a spectrum of severity in clarification between each personality. like, for normal people, it's seamless. you can't tell and neither can they if they have different personalities (or whatever you wanna call them, people, souls, minds, i don't know) working within one body. it all comes together and it seems natural, maybe because their personalities are not particularly strong or weak, they're just in the middle somewhere? for people like you (and i've had the same experiences, so i'll say "and me"), the personalities are more clear, but again, not quite the extreme. you remember time, you remember what you did, said, you're surprised by the actions in those moments but you also understand and feel connected, maybe even protected by them, but it feels like someone else within you. and of course with severe DID they can be completely unaware, lose time etc etc, as you said above...
now obviously this is a more complicated idea than i can try to explain on a comment, but maybe it makes some sense...
as an example, i've always felt very strong personalities within me that are VERY different from one another. i won't get into it but the personalities vary in they way i think of their gender, voice, interests, fears, passions, etc. of course it's not like i totally change into another person, but i think the difference is drastic enough that i myself have noticed it throughout my life and essentially wondered the exact same thing you're asking here. i wonder as well if any medical people have looked into this or even know about it. if other people experience this, or not? i've asked my boyfriend about whether he's ever experienced something like this (he has no mental issues, healthy as an ox, unlike myself), and he said not at all. obviously other normal people might have though, i guess the only way of knowing would be if someone interested in studying DID was informed of this phenomenon and they became interested enough to study it further...
sorry for the super long comment from a total stranger, and hopefully i'm making sense here. and of course i could be totally misunderstanding what you mean, maybe i don't know what you mean at all and i'm full of bs by blabbing on about this, but i feel like i get it.
anyway, at least we know we have some helpful personalities in there. maybe it's a matter of training them to come out more when we need them? who knows...
i would certainly be in the same position as you with the having to meet up with someone about the car. i get the same way around people. but then, just like here, sometimes it's like someone i know but not me steps in and takes care of it, until i can collapse afterwards and be glad it's over.
maybe another thing could just be hyper awarenesses of ourselves... who knows...
Thank you for your comment and insight... on a side note, congratulations you've just won a pony for being the first person to leave a comment. Ok, I am not really passing out ponies, but the exhilaration is the same... thank you, sincerely.
ReplyDeleteI think I get what you are trying to express here and perhaps your theory is valid... the human mind and psyche are incredible creations and vast in mystery. Things become scrambled through life experiences sometimes... stirring up the stability within, the walls come up, others crumble. What is left standing among the rubble is who we become... altered states of our former selves. Who's to say everyone wasn't born with these "personalities" and it was those events that caused the separation... it is something to ponder. I thank you again, for coming here, following along and sharing your thoughts... my ultimate goal was for someone to say to me someday, "... I get it.".