A Hushed Audience

Comfort and understanding... these things are of great importance to most. To me, they are instrumental... living in a world of constant confusion and emotional torment. I reach out to strangers... either as a source of comfort for themselves or friendship for us both. These attempts are beyond futile... again, I find myself questioning what it is I am working towards. My primary purpose of writing here, is that one day, somehow, in some way, I will make a positive impact on someone's life... for someone to think to themselves, "I get that....". I also write here for myself, to vent my frustrations, fears, desires... not all is as it appears to be, the written word is fluid and artistic. I am certain that people may have visited here once or twice and immediately cast judgment upon me and my thoughts... this is nothing new, nor surprising. One thing that does bother me however, is the rejection I receive when I extend myself to the world... beyond the void, stepping out of myself and trying to make friends. I have been writing here for quite some time now and I feel even more alone than I did when I started... it is hard to imagine that as even possible. I have had visitors from all around the world and one or two people that visit here whenever I write something new.... I do recognize and appreciate those few that try their best to support me. Perhaps it is shallow and insignificant, but it is hurtful that after all this time, I have no people openly following my blog and not so much as even one comment of support. I am a real person and even though I don't quite understand the feelings swirling inside... I do feel, deeply in fact. At this point, even if someone just left a comment saying, "Shut the fuck up, you sick piece of shit!"... it would be mean something. It makes me wonder if I am truly that far beneath everyone else. Friendship seems even more unattainable... an actual friend. One that communicates with you on a regular basis and without being prompted to do such... I have someone to talk to on occasion, but only if I reach out and bare my soul to them first. Even then, it is limited and awkward...no one appears to have the desire to actually get to know me on a personal level. Casual, noncommittal and lifeless. Is there more out there? I see the rest of the world with these things... I see other people writing in their blogs with everyone paying attention, caring and supporting them daily. What have I done wrong now... what new sins have I accrued? Is there even anyone out there... or in here?