Awhile back, I had mentioned that someone asked me to consider giving an interview for a class paper / project. I was very excited about the offer and agreed... the choir had assured me this would not be happening, so my response was moot. Time passed and I agreed with them... how easily one can be shifted in perspective. Well, it did happen... someone cared enough to ask me some questions and actually wanted to know about my thoughts. Sure, it's not going to change the world or be printed up in some famous or fancy newspaper or journal... but it wasn't about that, to me. Whether or not it touched anyone's life or changed the way they look at the mentally ill...I am uncertain. As for myself, it was touching to be asked and for a brief moment it returned some lost humanity... for a moment, my chains were broken and my voice regained sound. I will close today with the interview...
1. There are many theories about the relationship between creativity and mental illnesses. How strongly to you feel they relate, or if at all?
It's relative and subjective. Why does anyone really do anything, let alone excel at them? People struggling, or perhaps suffering some would say, with mental illnesses have an inner turmoil. That pain manifests expression, creative or otherwise, and it's put forth in a manner that is comfortable. Some paint while others may write, but it isn't a flower in a vase or man toiling the earth... it's their soul and the connection that is missing with the rest of humanity. We don't relate well to the "real world" and those "accepted citizens". For the most part, we are the outcasts and the ridiculed... misunderstood and the things that happen to all the bad little children. The difficulties swarming inside need an outlet and the rejection causes a need of acceptance... where one area of the mind is repressed, another will bloom. Creativity isn't something that can be taught or learned, it's born deep within the soul... something we have buried deep inside. When you spend time locked within yourself... there you will find it.
2. I am aware that you are a fan of Edgar Allan Poe. It is said that he suffered from manic-depressive bipolar disorder. Do you believe this affected his writings? Also, what is it about his work that you are so fond of/connect to?
I do believe it affected his writings in a vast degree... not just the illness, but also the manner in which he treated it. Poe lived a life full of tragedy, which in itself aided in his writing, but more so worsened his mental stability. Chaos brings about creativity... you burrow deep within to find solace and there you find clarity through expression. Poe treated his mental illness with substance abuse as a form of self-medication. This practice is common among the mentally ill and something very familiar to myself... unmeasurable perspective can be gained from awakening covered in your own vomit and feces. Had his mind been unaffected by mental illness, perhaps he wouldn't have abused drugs so heavily. In turn, he wouldn't have fallen so deep within himself to find the clarity and insight that he expressed. Troubled as he was, he wasn't the grave-robbing, sweaty toothed madman people think him to be based on his writings. That's what makes the written word so priceless... nothing is as simple as it seems. My favorite work of Poe's would be The Fall of the House of Usher... not for the content, but the message. In a way, I deeply identify with Poe and his life... the tragedy of loss, guilt and fear. His drug addiction and fascination with sharing his thoughts freely to the unaccepting populace. The way he weaved his words into a layered tapestry of thought. "I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." ... I hear you, my friend, I hear you.
3. Do you think that schizophrenia gives you a creative advantage?
Advantage comes with the price of disadvantage. Do I feel I have a creative edge? Personally, I would answer with a resounding no. People have told me, including my doctors and therapists, that I have exceptional gift in writing. When I was younger, I played flamenco classical guitar and was labeled "gifted" and many opportunities laid themselves before me. I wonder what the others see... is it not an apple tree at all? I believe my expressions, whether in writing or music, to be nothing of significance. With the choir singing it's daily reminder of what and whom I really am, never once is talented, gifted or creative uttered... "worthless", "monster", "filth" and "kill yourself" are my compliments and validation. This disease makes living "normally" almost impossible. Even if I did possess such talents, what good would they be if my biggest goal is to bathe sometime this week? So you see, there is the disadvantage. People of a healthy mind, have the strength and drive to live life and seek out their dreams. Here I sit, with a cardboard box of scribblings making sure my front door is tightly locked.
4. When do you mainly write? What emotions are you feeling? Do you write while under these emotions or after the fact?
Usually, I write as a means of therapy. I write in a blog online and I refer to it as "my silent scream to the world". Admittedly, I don't write there daily and sometimes weeks will pass before I find the courage to put my feelings into the void. I suppose I write most during conflict of some manner... inner conflict is a constant, but it takes time to separate my thoughts from those screaming within my head. Sometimes I write within the thick of it all, lashing out venomous spit at the world in frustration. Other times, I write when my thoughts have settled in one direction. Honestly, I suppose there really isn't a pattern of when I write. It could be either when I am confronted with an issue or thought, in emotional distress or longing or when I can't take it anymore and something needs to spill out before my chest explodes. The emotions I feel are all negative and constant. This illness and my abusive childhood have rendered me unable to feel positive emotions from other people. This causes a great deal of conflict in trying to understand the emotions I am feeling towards others... especially when love enters the mind. The emotions I feel, even when writing about love, are hopelessness, fear, loss, anxiety, ire, torment, confusion and discomfort. It is difficult to write about something you have no experience with... how does one know the breath within is stale, if he has never tasted the wind? When I do write, it is sure to be filled with some type of passion... and sometimes, I am shocked at what has been unearthed. Passion... the one thing that can raise us from the grave or usher us into it.
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