Information Highway

It is amazing how contact with another person can cause such a tidal wave of emotion... so beautiful and destructive at the same time. Whether it be verbal, physical or just a glance... the result is always the same for me. Imagine a highway filled with people traveling to and from their destinations. Everything is flowing smoothly and balanced... like water in a creek. Then comes contact, an accident or obstruction... the fluidity ceases and in it's place is chaos. The drivers must adjust accordingly, whether it be stopping to a screeching halt, swerving aside or calmly slowing down... the situation must be registered, evaluated and then processed. I tend to hide myself from the world, but out of desperation I find myself reaching out at times... to strangers, acquaintances or family. Most of the time people's instant response is rejection, but on the rare occasion when someone reaches back and contact has been established, my mind locks up... prepare for impact. Waves of emotion come crashing down, all of which conflict with one another... there is no balance and registering the event becomes very difficult at best. The voices in my mind begin their chanting and the symphony of chaos begins it's haunting melody causing the evaluation to become fragmented and desperate... joy, sorrow, love, hate, empathy, pity, appropriate or unseemly. Frustration and anxiety settles in while my mind tries to process all of these emotions... traffic is at a standstill and the motorists are restlessly awaiting for the debris to be cleared. Everything is cloudy and blended... it is impossible to take all of this in and come upon a conclusion. Some end result of the event that can be clearly defined, therefore allowing me to make a choice on what the most desirable reaction should be. It's hard enough to wade through the waves of emotion as they bombard me relentlessly, but with all of the noise, chatter and disorder being added by the voices in my mind, I want more than anything to swim back to shore... but there is none in sight. Even the simplest event is turned into an epic moment... what am I feeling, how should I be feeling, what should I do now, how, why, are you sure, what if? It is maddening. All of this manifests itself into a desire to stop reaching out... then the loneliness comes back, desperation settles itself within again and I find myself once more screaming inside to reach out. I have lost all ability to relate and communicate freely with the outside world... all that remains inside is the rotting company of my illness and the legion of demons that taunt me endlessly without mercy. I wish I could end this cycle of destruction... I long for the peace and comfort of my own skin. All the while, I long for my voice to be heard and for a day to come, when someone will answer me and reach back with the patience and compassion for me to express myself in kind. I suppose that is a lot to ask. People in the world today have many burdens to bear on their own... they need not be burdened with my dysfunctions. It is unfair to them and it is unfair to me... but the nightmare never stops. It will continue to play itself out over and over again... as hard as I try, I cannot stop reaching out. I cannot stop dreaming.