Unchained And Selective

The long awaited day came and passed... I made it till Tuesday and tomorrow I get to visit with my therapist again. With any luck, I'll be able to squeeze in a visit on Friday as well... it may seem like a lot, but it really isn't. If my insurance would pay for it, I would go see him everyday... it forces me to get out of bed and it's the only place I have that makes me feel 100% completely safe. No need listening at the doorways or checking for explosions... I trust him completely and he really understands and tries very hard to help me. I've told him just about everything about my life... some really fucking sick shit, and never once has he made me feel bad about it. No judgement, no guilt, no shame... just comfort, support, and compassion. I do understand one thing though, he isn't my friend... not because of any lack of effort or capabilities, but because he has a different role in my life. It's a professional relationship, he can't get attached to patients in that manner... it would make life too difficult. I'm not hurt by this, it's just the way it is.

As Winona asked, some of you may be wondering what my therapist had to say about my photo project idea... it was quite a lengthy discussion with both pros and cons. The first thing he asked me was the reasoning and inspiration behind the project. I told him that I had been visiting the blog of some brave women that are going through some similar issues... dealing with abuse, incest, rape, self hated, and guilt. I told him that they take pictures of themselves and post them every so often as a means of therapy, I am guessing... to be honest, I don't know the specifics, it's just my impression of what's happening. If anyone is interested in visiting their blog, I will gladly leave a link at the end of this post... they are strong and brave for what they are doing. Anyway, it kind of inspired me to take pictures of myself, thus came the 365 project idea on Flickr... a meeting of the minds, if you will. One thing that concerned him, was the same issue that Winona mentioned... the intensity of the project and how I could possibly punish myself, with the help of the choir and Richard, if I failed to complete it. It wasn't said out of lack of belief or support, it's a well known part of my psychology... I'm big on self crucifixion and conflagration. It's my mother's milk. The other concern was my expectations... what was I hoping to achieve from this project? He said, to him it appeared that it was a mission of validation... a way to tell myself and others, "Hey, I'm fucked up and ill... but I am still a person. I matter. I am here.". It was very interesting to hear him say this, because honestly I hadn't thought of it that way... but it does make sense. I told him all I was looking for really was a way to heal and close this seeping wound I never fully accepted was a huge part of my life. If anything, I am worried about what people might say to me in the comments... making fun of my illness and dis-shoveled appearance. He thought perhaps that if people did say something hurtful, that it would be another chance to grow and overcome their cruelty... not a reason to be disheartened about myself or my healing process. True, there are many aspects of this project that will be difficult... but I think the reward of knowing I did it would be worth the risks. All in all, he was very supportive and encouraging for me to go through with it... there is still much debate and chatter among the others on the inside, but I am getting close to my decision. We will take about it more and try to decide in tomorrow's session. Ultimately, it's my call and I know the people that really matter in my life will understand and support it... but it is still scary, unfamiliar, and extremely stressful. The waiting and not knowing... what will come and where have I been.

Here's the link, as promised: Taking Back Everything