Monday, March 26, 2012
Tipping The Scales
Today is Monday... the day before my Mother, birthed by my Father. In preparation for tomorrow's therapy and trying to get back on track with my bathing schedule, I dug deep and scrapped myself out of bed and into the tub... it is hard and stressful, but bathing is a special time for me. Bathing is the key word, I don't take showers because they are wasteful and don't feel comforting... nothing is better than a hot, steaming bath. I find the water extremely soothing... words cannot begin to describe the feeling of being covered completely with water. On a side note, most media like television shows and movies about schizophrenics are completely full of shit... portraying us to the world as absolute monsters and serial killers. Anyway, there is one movie that has something actually correct about us, schizophrenics, in a small part of the film. It is in The Cell... there is a part where the detective says that schizophrenics are often comforted by water- this is very, very true. The rest is bullshit, but oh well. Moving on. Why are baths so special to me, you might be asking? Well, I will tell you. For one reason, it's my time to unwind and soak, smoke a cigar without upsetting anyone and just let myself float away into the abyss. I also have this ritual I call, my "Love Time"... no, it's not based on masturbation. I masturbate in the grocery store between the cracker aisle and the pet food aisle... like any respectable person! "Love Time" is when I take my scrubby thing and rub it with a bar of soap to get it nice and covered. Then I massage the suds out of the scrubby and back into it, over and over, until the suds became soft as silk... with the air particles so thinned out, that it feels softer than anything in this world. Then I place the suds on my chest and rub them over my body and hold myself in a tight embrace... it is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I call it "Love Time", because I imagine that's what love would feel like... indescribable. Okay, that's enough intimate information for now... moving on now. Well, tonight's bath was less than what I needed it to be... someone in the house just ruined it for me. But it got me thinking. Usually, hope is the thing that fuels people with the strength to continue when life becomes too difficult. For me however, it's not hope that has helped me through this particular rough patch... it's hate. I've felt such intense hatred in my life that if you were to give it an object of tangibility, it would be the blackest, rotten bile one has ever seen... it is nothing compared to the feelings I've had lately. In fact, this hatred is so intense, I dare say there aren't words strong or vile enough to illustrate my true feelings... to stab this person in the face 57 times wouldn't even scratch the surface. I loathe them, utterly and completely... everyday my hate fuels me to press on. I guess I should be grateful to be so lucky? Least I have something driving me. I wonder how I will survive when this person finally moves out of my home... what will be my inspiration if the hate goes with them?
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I enjoy baths too... they make you feel nicely surrounded by water and a little weighless like your no so heavy within yourself.......a lightening of the soul if you will. I love the whole bath expierience I always make myself bath salts and use aromatherapy in my baths I make the salts and the oils myself...I believe in the healing powers of olis and aromatherapy have you ever tried aromatherapy as part of your healing process? Think about it, if your willing to try.I would be happy to make you some things and send them to you to try out.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course your right doesnt everone do thier masterbating in public places???LOL......and yes your right a surrounded peacefulness with a softness and it is VERY important To have SELF _LOVE for you. I love the idea of self-embrace.Even though you have gone through so much of an abuseful realtionship where others made you feel either not worthy of love or worthless in someway..they were WRONG you are a person that HAS VALUE..not as an OBJECT but as a PERSON....a very smart and beautiful person....what person does not have darkness in them......the thing is to have SELF LOVE and let the brightness in you scare away the darkness so that the LARGER part of you if light NOT dark....I Believe this can happen for you.....Let that be an incentive for bath time daily or every other day.self -love is an important part of your daily diet.:)
Iam intrested to hear of your living arrangement so I can understand more of the stresses that are going on in your household.do you have a state assighned caretaker? Is that a permenant or temporary situation.maybe we can find a way to improve the stress levels in your home so you do not feel so much stress on a daily basis.
Dear Winona-
DeleteYes I agree completely... baths could bring about world peace. I've never personally tried aromatherapy or essential oils, not that I'm against them in any degree. I believe all things of this world from nature can better and renew our lives. More so than believing in the healing properties of the salts and oils, I believe in the healing power of energy. If you put your positive energy into making some salts or oils for someone and then they used them, I believe it's the exchange of energy that can offer the healing... of course the salts and oils have their own strengths, but the miracle and life is from the energy you put into it. Thought Creation. I would be honored if you whipped something up for me and sent it my way... but please, do not put yourself out in any way. Just the conversation we exchange is healing and I appreciate all you've already done.
As for the living arrangement, well that is difficult to explain in this forum. I don't have an assigned case worker, although I probably should... they could make sure I ate, took my medications, and cleaned myself on a regular basis. Time is a difficult issue for me, it all bleeds together and I forget to do the simple tasks people take for granted. Trying to lessen the stress in my home is highly unlikely... it's something my therapist and I talk about quite often. Without releasing too much information, I can say it's family related... strangers come together, nestle in a corner and they become family. Well, one of them is causing severe ripples in the water... making physical threats, lying, stealing money, items and meds, bringing illegal substances in the house. They also suffer from a severe personality disorder and sociopathic tendencies... but you can't turn your back on family. So, all I can really do is hunker down, lock everything up and pray for the day they decided to leave. My therapist refers to it as similar to a hostage situation... I am the hostage, awaiting my release. Rest assured, my interests are being looked after by my doctors, it's just one of those nightmare scenarios people find themselves in and there is little to be done without making things that much worse. It has been a long time running now, but the struggle is near over... I imagine a change in living arrangements to occur within the next few months.