Monday, March 19, 2012
The Four, And Then Me
"The Four, And Then Me"
It was cold... the earth, my knees, the way the glares iced over till Thursday morn.
It was hot... the juices, the blood, the thrusts that cleaved and cauterized my flesh.
It was love... the touch, the licks, the mouth inhaling your sweat, taste, and urine.
It was hate... the orgasm, the dismissal, the reflections peering back in the mirror.
I remember... each tuft of matted hair and the way your body shook violently about.
I remember... people watching in awe as the clothing was torn from my young body.
I remember... needles sticking in my thighs and how my tears tasted on cold vinyl.
I remember... seeing the blood running through my fingers and begging you'd stop.
I remember... knotted sheets, Vaseline vapor, and the way I fell deep inside of you.
I remember... every fold, every mound, every crease, every taste, every pubic hair.
Can we give enough, to make it stop... can we bleed enough, up until the last drop?
19-03-12
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I know that must have been hard for you to share. Thank you for sharing so much of your self. I can see how much pain you have gone through in life. I think your have so much courage to write the words that express what happened to you or/the things you have been through. I believe you are very brave to confront these issues and try to work through them. I have never had that kind of bravery, I had been raped two times in high school by different people. One of which I think was in your graduating class...so long I tried to block it out.but you know it's always in my mind somewhere and both times it had affected me greatly. What happened to you being hurt by people who are suppose to love and care for you and/or people who are in autority over you..it's even more mind blowing to deal with and only wish that I had been able to help you in someway.....It made me cry to read this because it hurt me to see that someone could hurt you in such a way. I think that it's so important to your healing to be able to confront and battle the memories of what has happened in your life weather you are the abused/abuser. Both abused/abuser are often one in the same..it makes sense to me that its a chain reaction. BUt I BELIEVE that no matter if you are the abused or the abuser....everyone deserves a chance at redemption, love, forgivness and healing.
ReplyDeleteOf course my first reaction was of course to hug you in effort to yes sympathize, empathize with you and hope you felt the love and positive energy from me but I realize now after reading several entries that when huged or touched is hard for you to physically deal with so my hugs I will give will be mental hugs. I can guess that you get overwhelmed sensory wise and that indeed be scary.So, I will try not to overwhem you......I guess mostly I just wanted to say thank you for sharing such a deeply personal thing.
Dear Winona-
DeleteSurprisingly, speaking of the things that have been done to me aren't difficult to say... whether the physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal abuse. It's done, we've survived and it all had a perhaps. Speaking about the things I've done to others is another matter... it's torturous to think or speak about it. This particular piece was a a bit of both. Usually things are tight lipped, but this time I will share a little bit more insight... of course, you may have already figured out what I will share. This particular piece was written about 5 people in my life... victims and abusers alike, the things I've done and had done unto me. The sad part is, that victims of abuse often times become abusers themselves, not always mind you... the abuses doesn't need to be of the same origin, it's the sickness that spreads. It would be easy to justify things and say, "I only hurt people because I was hurt!" ... the truth is, I am responsible for my actions regardless. I suppose that's the hardest part... spreading the sickness, hurting others and stealing innocence, then trying to live with those memories and regrets. I've been abused in various colorful ways... and revisited those, and more, sins upon others. Yes, we all deserve a chance at redemption... I'm just not too certain there is enough time in this life to make amends.
My heart ached to hear that you were a victim as well. I'm not you, so I can't begin to imagine the impact and toll those events had on your life... but I can understand pain and the fight to overcome. I wish you peace and comfort in your life, mind, heart, and soul... may it wash over you and fill the holes that were left behind. Thank you for sharing such an intimate piece of yourself... you are brave and courageous for speaking your heart and sharing, indeed you are.
As for the hugs... let not your heart be burdened. You are the only one of my readers that knew before I became Alabaster Frank. The amount of time involved in this relationship, entitles you to some understanding... if our paths ever cross again in the physical world, I would gladly receive such an embrace. I may not understand it or even feel the good things behind it, but I wouldn't refuse you. True, I may be fragile in some fashion, but you won't overwhelm me. I really enjoy the interaction, comments and thoughts... so comment until your heart is content and share anything you desire. Be well, Winona.