Call Me, In The Morning

We are relieved this week is finally over...it has been an utter nightmare, continuously gnawing at my last strand of sanity. As I've stated many times before, routine is very important to me... to any schizophrenic actually. My therapist has been out of town for over a week... on vacation with his family, which he is certainly entitled to be doing. Keeping that in mind has been very important... otherwise the choir we take hold and convince me that I've been betrayed and abandoned. Seeing my therapist is a wonderful thing for me... having the ability to vent, work on issues, socialize, laugh, and it's the only place I feel 100% safe. It took a lot of work to get to that point, we've seeing each other 3 times a week for about 5 years now. He's been gone before and usually it worked itself out and the time flew instantly by... like time does usually for me. But this time it was different, it rattled every structure I've been holding on desperately to for awhile now... I didn't brush my teeth, or floss, or even bathe at the scheduled time like I've worked so hard on implementing. I couldn't sleep, I didn't get out of bed most days, and didn't eat till my body was crashing from low blood sugar and I was getting sick. It's amazing to me how much of an impact this man has on my life. Putting aside the fact that he is a man... due to my abuse and illness I don't trust men at all. I'm very afraid of men in general and can't seem to bond with them because we share nothing in common... the mind of a male schizophrenic functions chemically like the mind of a healthy female. If you think about it, in a way that makes me a homosexual and the women of my life lesbians... comical side note, I was actually married to a lesbian for a few years. No shit. This week holds promise... tomorrow I get to go see my general physician, the following day I see my therapist again, I have some cigars coming in the mail, and two video games coming as well. The games are Mass Effect 3 and The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind GOTY Edition. Now if I can get a hold on Richard, Diana, and The Choir and keep them in check, it should be smooth sailing... event wise that is of course. There is always something interesting and stressful swarming around on the inside, but those moments have to be taken one step at a time... one line stands before the hushed crowd.