It is difficult, this path, the effort and reaching out to maintain this limited grip and understanding of emotions... relationships, the taxing effect of withdrawal and rejection. The air is thick with irony, stale clouds and window cleaners... great effort is taken to heed those words, brush it aside, for it truly isn't personal. I find great humor in the fact that I'm extremely fragile emotionally and quite sensitive to rejection... seeing how I have such issues with understanding emotions and knowing how to process these vibrations. Open the box and utilize those tools from childhood... the protection and sanctuary of laughter. However difficult, this is necessary... my therapist tells me the only way to understand people and emotion is to expose myself to such. Raw, quivering, relentless... the feast.
One thought has been running through my mind this past week... repeatedly drilled through my mind and echoing from within my core. It's a simple question, but the answers that could be given are far from easily deduced. If you could do ANYTHING, anything at all, and get away with it without any repercussions whatsoever... what would you do? It could be good or bad, but I believe that most would focus on something bad seeing how the cost is always so much more severe. Think about it. Really dig deep and ask yourself, what would you do? Win the lottery... tax free? Become immortal? Have some superpower be gifted upon you? Create world peace? Kill someone... your spouse perhaps? Abduct, torture, rape, and consume someone piece by bloody, juicy piece? Above good or evil, without cost... no questions asked, no judgement. Nothing. To any degree thinkable... even bringing forth the apocalypse, if you so desired. Despite the many choices and possible outcomes, the choice for me was very clear... each and every time I was asked this question, the answer was always the same. If I could do anything, absolutely anything, without any cost, worry, or repercussions... what would it be? Care to take a guess... have a look deep inside the muddled mind and perhaps even yourself? In all honesty, it would simply be this... I would die.
Albaster,
ReplyDeleteI find your writing very beautiful in many ways. I like the truth in what you write You say you have trouble with emotions,understanding them, decifering them. When it comes down to it....iam very much the same way. Only instead of having lack of emotion I have OVERMOTION. HYPER-Emotional really. I often examine my own subjects of the search and understanding of my emotion V's how others handle emotion/relationships/love/hate/anger/guilt/Remorse. LIke you, just like you Iam often rejected....for many reasons....mostly my over-emotion drowns people, souffocates them....what is a normal state of emotion to the average person? Why is it that someone can say lack of emotion or over emotion is abnormal? I ask myself this what exactly is the right amount of care/non care to the everyday society member. Whatever it is Im not very average either. I like that in your writing you expose yourself right down to the core of yourself good and bad. It's on the table layed out.Im like that too...I suppose it's nice to see that someone wrestles with some of the same questions I have.
I will say I have thought many times in my life, the subject of your entry for the day....I have many many awnsers to that question during different periods of my life.....there are many things I would do, I'll only share only one now though. Something I've always wanted to do in life with no way to get in trouble..has always been to go Disneyland and have sex on EVERY single ride and totally get away with it, and not go to jail.I;ll spare your readers the details of my sorted thoughts. Reading what you would do....that made me want to give you a hug wherever you are. I can understand completley your wish to die....but I hope everyday you choose not to. I believe that you have a purpose in life and maybe you'll stick around long enough to find out what it is. I do KNOW that you are not as alone as you think you are.
Winona-
DeleteThank you for taking the time to visit my little sprawl and kindly sharing your thoughts. I understand the over-emotional piece, in many ways we are very much the same... the difference comes with the interpretation of said emotions and the ability to process them and give them a place in which to dwell. A good example would be the hypothetical hug in which you offered me. There we are, you approach me, and wrap your arms around me in some type of loving, sympathetic embrace. The common person, would feel the love you're offering and recognize the comfort, in turn, feeling soothed and loved... the wheels inside turn with all the gears meshing in place. For me, it would be something like this. I wouldn't feel the emotion coming from within you, not in a recognizable manner anyway... it would be a vibration inside, so intense that I would want to vomit and lash out in anger. It wouldn't feel like love or good by any means... I don't know what love is actually or how it would feel. In the rare occasion that I could tolerate the touch, the embrace, I wouldn't know what that meant. Are we lover's now, are you my sister or mother, should I kiss you or weep in agony? The message has stopped because my mind cannot discern the text and the appropriate follow through. It's not from a lack of want, by any means... I want to feel, I want to understand and know love, understand relationships and the appropriate boundaries. On the other hand the emotions I do feel and understand, like sorrow, guilt, misery, despair, anguish, those emotions I feel so intensely that I cannot bare it. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned in here that I used to be a classical musician... from those in my life, their opinions was that I was some type of savant. Music became so painful to my heart and soul, that I literally felt like I was dying from the expression... I haven't played in a very, very long time.
In closing, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for visiting, sharing, and understanding these cryptic messages. Thank you for the encouragement and the reassurance that I'm not alone... it may be dark and feel empty, but hearing that other person's voice among all the nothingness, brings hope. Hope that someone understands, hope that someone can hear my cries, and hope that we will make it through those times. Be well and with peace, I hope you come back and visit us again...
-AF