Inbetween The Lines

Context. Tonight I've chosen to retouch on my previous entry a little bit... here, there, and everywhere. We thought it might be helpful to press pause and explain a few things... perhaps beneficial, then again, it could be meaningless dribble infecting the ears of those already in the loop. In here, my mind and this blog, things can come across very harsh... at times very vague in their true meaning, but also very descriptive and colorful. At times, some of the words I choose can be very intense and perhaps offensive to some of the readers... comments about incest, abuse, addiction, cannibalism, and rape. Why do I choose to use such imagery... is it purely for a shock value? No. These images and subjects are powerful... that's the whole point. Have you ever raped someone or perhaps been raped yourself? Think about it... either offense will change your life forever. These words have value and the ability to strike someone at their core... ripping through their defenses and rattling their soul in unspeakable ways. In here, I discuss things that are not only powerful and thought provoking, but also things about myself and my experiences... in a pursuit of redemption and healing. I'm not openly confessing to anything, for several reasons obviously, but by laying the pieces out there and leaving the conclusion to you, the readers... it helps me just the same, theoretically that is, as if it was an open confession. So I'm not about to bluntly state that I've, in fact, raped or eaten a person for example, but I'm not going to hide the things that have been done to me. Yes, I've been raped and tortured by someone that had power and authority over me... so I have a reason behind using such imagery. It's real and it's raw... words are powerful, like actions and experiences.

Some might be wondering why I chose death as the one thing I would choose to do if I could do anything without cost... what does death cost? Is it just the financial burden it places on those after one dies or is it about the cost of the unsettled emotions among friends and family? Neither actually. I have a firm belief that life here on this plane is filled with purpose. We are here to learn and grow as spiritual beings, despite what some believe. No, I'm not talking about church and Jesus and the religious bullshit that is pumped into people's heads... I am speaking about spiritual growth, which has nothing to do with religion. Religion was made by man as a means to control other men with fear and guilt... don't do this and that or God is gonna fucking spank you and throw you into a lake of fire for all eternity. Seeing how the point of life is to learn and grow, there is also a cost to killing yourself before your time to leave this place. The cost is coming back to relearn those lessons that you tried to skip... there are no shortcuts in life, all things are earned. So why would I kill myself to release all this pain, misery, guilt, remorse, and suffering if I'm just going to come right back in another life to relive all this shit again until I learn what I'm supposed to learn? It's a very complex thought of life... the very thing I could be here to learn, is how to discover closure and growth from all of these terrible experiences. Or perhaps it's a dharmic life, where these experiences of mine are supposed to teach someone else or offer them some type of healing. Either way, it's best to finish the course and dig deep for the strength and courage to fight on and on... death will come at it's time and there is no point in meeting it sooner. If I could do anything, without cost or repercussion, it would be to die... with no fear of coming back to relive this nightmare I've been fighting through for so many years. I could skip it, put it all behind me and move on the the next lessons of life. It's a good choice, but merely a fantasy... there is always a price. What are you willing to pay?