Friday, June 22, 2012
Crossroads
No matter how far we come in life, there is always another turning point... a crisis, a reckoning, an awakening. It's those pivotal moments that define us... our character, our resolve, our will and determination. Some of those times, the choices, although clear, are neither without consequences... sometimes a little blood must be shed, and sometimes, just sometimes, it gushes forth uncontrollably. Those moments, more than others, really define who and what we are... a martyr or savior, make your choice. The lines have been drawn and I find myself standing in the middle of the road... crippled by which is the better "right" and lesser "wrong". Clearly there isn't a "better" to be chosen... this time, the street will turn red. I can turn around and remain standing on the side of the road... looking into the road, yearning for something unseen and imagining my face plastered on the heavy traffic that separates the living from the dead. Or I can decide to run, grab the little that remains inside and run... never to look back or doubt the decisions I've made. More than ever I know who and what I am, the problem lies in what I want to do about it and continue living. Do I answer the call or listen to Richard? Do I finish what I once started or bury the past and begin anew? I'm faced with truth and honesty and trying to determine the fine line of destruction they both have to offer... we over-share, over-confess and those eyes never quite shined in the same fashion. At this point, I'm willing to leave everything behind... all the sorrow and torment, all the memories and collections, never turning an eye to what would be lost. I can choose to live or continue to rot... to where someone told me and from where I was led. Time is a funny thing... there is never enough it seems, to complete the tasks or live in the moment. But one thing that remains the same, is the gut piercing cry when the clock strikes... a time to move on, ready or not. It always cuts deep... and sometimes, it cuts twice.
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Damn bro. You are on the verge of a breakthrough. You are about to move forward. You are going to succeed. I am very happy to see this in you. Continue to think ths way. Leave it behind. Stop dwelling on the past and look to the future.
ReplyDeleteSometimes My friend you just have to FORGIVE yourself. You are human.....you have had horrific things done to you.........the people that hurt you they created the pain inside you that led you to hurt others. I know people have hurt you and you in turn have hurt others and I know you feel so much sadness about it that it torments you everyday.....doesnt that show how beautifully human you are with a heart full of remorse you have humanity. You are not a monster as sometimes you believe yourself to be....you are human with a very human heart and actually I think despite the crimes that have been done to you and in turn those you have done to others. You battle everyday.....dwelling on them.doesnt that tell you how much you have changed? How much you are different from then? Because you are different. You are not that same person anymore. You have a heart and you are capable of love and others are capable of loving you. You my friend have to FORGIVE yourself.....you have done wrong in your life and wrong has been done to you. BUT The time has come where you HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF! You need to free yourself from the memories and move on. Your the ONLY one who can do it. You are the ONLY one who can FREE YOURSELF. FORGIVE yourself. That will be your act of SELF LOVE.
ReplyDeleteI see many great things in you. Please my dear friend begin to see them yourself. The time has come to let go of the pain. Shed the old.begin anew......you have jailed yourself for your past.you have paid the price many times over.The time has come to set yourself free. You have paid your time. Let yourself go now....FORGIVE YOU.
Thank you, both of you. I am trying to forgive myself... I am trying to see something of value. I suppose there is some truth to this... if I can feel remorse and guilt, perhaps there is a piece of humanity somewhere in there. Perhaps the problem is that I am surrounded by too many reminders. I need to return to the desert and ride the snake once more... to bury the past and find something new.
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