Casual conversations become intimate at a rapid pace... without thought or direction, just the simple utterance of a name. It's no secret that, for the most part, I'm terrified by people... their lingering thoughts and judging eyes, rip the flesh from my face and smolder the raw tissue with shame. Over time certain people become less "dangerous", and I can actually have brief interactions and courtesies... the occasional eye contact is made and perhaps a sliver of a smile escapes from time to time. At this current point in time, there are two women I see regularly, as I mingle among the infested population... Jena and Holly. Jena works at the place where I get my coffee before every therapy appointment, so I see her several times a week... always friendly and even gives me free coffee quite often. We don't share casual conversation, other than pleasantries, but she is a comfortable addition to my routine. Holly works at the pharmacy I frequent for all of my various medications... I usually see her 2-3 times a month. Holly and I do exchange a fair amount of casual conversation, more than pleasantries to be certain... we ask each other about our weekend plans or shared common interests. She is always very friendly and always comes over to visit when I gather my medications... smiles are exchanged and best wishes when we part. I was thinking on night about these two relationships... I wouldn't call them friendships, perhaps more acquaintances. An experiment came to mind, to better understand the social interactions of relationships... any relationships, in this case, fairly small in size and intensity. The experiment was to address these two women by their names the next time i see them to see what would happen... it seemed like a valid thought at the time and certainly harmless. When I went to get my coffee the next day, I greeted Jena by name... it was very odd on my part, almost intrusive. Her reaction was minimal... it didn't result in a boosted relationship or any more type of recognition. All only noticeable difference was how awkward I felt inside... the vibrations started building up a bottle-neck in my mind. I troubled me for the rest of the day... going over the experiment in my mind, dissecting each moment and glance. The next time I went to get my coffee, I omitted the recent addition of her name and all returned to where it was before the experiment... no harm, no foul, but no further understanding either. The next trial would be on Holly a few days later... our relationship, whatever it is, was a bit more friendly and comfortable. I thought perhaps this time it would be quite an interesting experiment. I greeted her by name and instantly I felt my guts turn and my heart pounding in my throat... she glanced downward instead of smiling and seemed to be putting out some vibrations of her own. The rest of the visit was increasingly more difficult and the vibrations became so intense that I started to clinch my jaw and gnash my teeth... as the experiment came to a close, I wished her a good day and closed with her name and departed. I felt so terrible for what I had done... even though I didn't understand what I did was wrong. I was very disturbed... I felt like I had jumped over the counter and forcibly sodomized her in a fit of rage. I was disgusted and ashamed. I went back to the pharmacy the next day to pick up my pain medication and I was literally shaking with fear as I approached the counter... this time, I didn't use her name and everything returned to normal. The smiles, the friendliness, exchange in casual conversation... once again, I felt comfortable and enjoyed seeing Holly. The various results of this experiment had me baffled... I was completely thrown. How could using someone's name change everything and make the vibrations so sickeningly intense? I talked to my therapist about this experiment and asked for his help in understanding what happened. In his opinion, nothing really changed on Jena's or Holly's end of the relationship... it was more than likely all in my mind. The intensity of the differences between the two women had to do with my different levels of comfort with each of them... the violent and nervous reactions were due to allowing someone closer to the real me inside. It was threatening to myself and the structure of my fragile existence... it gave them too much power over me, by allowing the to become more personal in my mind. I'm still struggling with understanding this all, but I do realize that the experiment's results were less than desired. I spend so much time, wishing I could feel emotions and have relationships with people... yet, my mind won't allow it. Neither will the wounded child inside...
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