Beneath The Floorboards

It is the same. As it was, so has it been... each morning a reminder and disappointment, laced with disgust and rage that I'm still alive. When my eyes become as heavy, as the burdens upon my shoulders, I curl into a ball and pray for death... every night, over and over, begging that it will be my last. The release never comes. The long awaited peace and serenity of death, dangle before me as the carrot before the mule... our strongest desire and blood quenching plea. Release me, God... take me from here. Our eyes swell with anticipation and a thirst for tears to be shed... but they never come, they cried themselves dry long ago. I feel the sorrow, the desperation, drowning in an endless sea of anguish... how they torment and mock every gasping breath. Gagging on the liquid memories of remorse and self-loathing... turning, as the worms in the earth, rotting in my belly moment after moment. The cowardice cripples any urges or compulsion to slit my throat with the pieces of this broken mirror... their only purpose is to instill more fear and misery. The sins of yesterday ache for the bloody release of ripping flesh... to be cut out over and over again, for the root is too far within. It never ends... the struggle, the loss, the lack, the feast. The growth has become stagnant and river of dharma is unsatiated... the purpose is without clarity and the ash has become too thick. Among the myriad of tasteless emotions and the relentless ire, I wrestle with the loss of death... the final rap on death's door should have echoed so many years ago. Instead, I am here... robbed of my destiny and an end to this madness. Forced to live a meaningless existence filled with burnt photographs and scar tissue... those faces screaming in torment no longer comfort me. Razor edged faces, digging deeper each morning... and hers cuts slower and longer than his. What used to burn our hands with desire and spewed with little encouragement has now become the thorn in paw... in a mind that is diseased with mornings and mirrors.