For about a year now, you've seen the name Serah Weaver being mentioned... all that's really known up to this point is that it's someone I've been longing to find. We've decided the time has come to share who Serah Weaver really is to all of those that are curious... however, there is one more thing to be addressed before the curtain has been pulled back. I know, I know, this might be disappointing to a few of you, especially for those trying to decipher if Serah Weaver is a man or woman from my writings... women with mustaches, beards with matching lipstick, and erect penises under delicate petticoats. Have faith, all of the answers are coming in my next post... but for now, there is one more item which needs to be displayed. Intimacy. Sexual Relations. The world of touch viewed through my eyes.
I've touched lightly on this subject various times, often within rants of frustration and rage against people and their accusations.... other times about the young people of today fucking everything that moves without consequences. However, I'm uncertain if I've stated my actual feelings and thoughts about it in regards to my life and various mental illnesses. Richard and Diana have different thoughts and feelings on this matter, but they've refused to share their insights until a later time... the choir however, reserves the right to chime in at anytime without notice. Personally, I have nothing wrong with actual intimacy between people in a serious, mature, committed relationship... intimacy doesn't have to mean sexual intercourse however. People just hooking up and having casual sex, I don't really see a problem with as long as they are responsible for their actions and don't violate someone's free will... as for myself however, I view this as a very disrespectful act to all of those involved. In my opinion, sexual intercourse involves the exchange of energy and personal essence to the other parties... this is something that should be sacred and reserved for the appropriate time and place in people's personal lives. The choir insists that their thoughts be mentioned in this particular moment... fuck everything- whether it moves or not, live or dead, and beast or human. Satisfied??? Moving on. As for myself, I haven't had sexual relations with anyone in a very long time and extremely limited non-sexual intimacy. This illness, among other factors such as being emotionally / physically / sexually assaulted by family members, drugged / tortured / raped by a dentist, and my own deviant trespasses and violated innocence, makes this type of behavior all but an impossible task. I can't stand to be touched in any regard... it is a complete violation and assault of the senses. Adding insult to injury, I can't process the emotions involved in a casual physical exchange either... the motives and feelings behind a handshake or a hug are endless and completely confusing, thus very, very upsetting. It's similar to relationships in my highly dysfunctional life... what is the difference between loving a friend, spouse, child, animal? What does a touch mean, what are the parameters, and how are you supposed to feel? As much as I want to feel and understand love, touch, friendship... wanting isn't enough. The wiring in my shell and the programs have been deleted or corrupted long ago... what once was, has no further meaning now. I bury those feelings deep within this swirling vortex of entropy, I keep them locked up tight so I will cause no harm to others or myself. The heart is a fragile and sensitive item of curiosity... even one that is blackened and stale can still be hurt. The difference is, if I hurt someone they'd understand why and how they were hurt... I wouldn't know what that meant, how it happened, or how to feel about it. My existence is a life without love, touch, and as little emotion as possible... how cool is Schizophrenia now?
No comments:
Post a Comment