Sweet Surrender

Living as a monster was easier... the daily task of hating myself was almost natural. Trying to live now, feeling, is exhausting... it hurts and my fingers are chewed to the nubs. Why can't I lay on the cold pavement, pretending none of this has happened to me? Can't I just assume the fetal position and welcome the dry, cracking shafts back into my body... as they feed on my musky blood and self-worth. Why must I continue to feel something that only promises more suffering? I never thought something so wonderful could cut so deeply... I was a fool. I understand better why people do the things they do to throw the pearls before the swine... it's for sanity's sake. I'll cut off my own arm, before the rats have a chance to gnaw it clean through. Perhaps it's cowardice, perhaps it ignorance... but I feel lost in this new open world, where terror and insecurity lurk around the shadowed corners. I know I've stated it before... for everything is a cost, a price that must be paid. I surrendered my old life for a new one... the price was the new life would be short lived, if it even lived at all. I can't make sense of this... there is no one in here to ask, no guides or voices to shelter my heart. It's a vast, open arena of torment and heartache... for the garments are too thin to shield the tender. to be reminded of the things I can never have, never touch, never experience... the taunting reminder infused with power. I gave my life, to another, in exchange of the memory that I'm not the one to hold our life together.