Alone Again, Naturally

It is amazing how alone someone can feel in a house filled with people and a mind filled with voices screaming at them 24/7. Just when you think, you couldn't possibly feel any lower or more alone, the floor drops another level... I just can't stand it any longer. The only thing keeping me from killing myself once and for all is this god damn cat... I am the only one here that loves him and takes care of him. I do a terrible job of taking care of myself, but I seem to do okay regarding the cat... his basic needs are fulfilled and he sits on my lap most of the day, so he really has no right to complain. He is getting older now, soon to be 10 years old... when he finally passes, I'll have nothing left to keep me here. As much as he bothers me, I do love him... I don't think my heart could handle the loss of him well at all. Which just reinforces my theory, I'll finally have the strength to follow through and leave this fucked up world and it's disease of a populace. I am tired of being alone and misunderstood... I can't handle the constant stress, terror and rejection of trying to find a safe place in this world. I would think by now, I would have gotten used to this ritualistic torture but I have not... everyday is filled with a new sting of betrayal and relentless sorrow of a broken heart. I really just want it all to end... there is no point any longer. If I did find something good in this world, something worth living for, I would destroy it before it ever had a chance to let it's potential be known... it's part of the destructive cycle, one that enslaved me long ago. I do it every time something good, honest, lovely, pure, decent and sincere finds me... I fucking choke it to death in excitement, just like Lennie and the puppy. On one hand, I am Lennie killing his puppy out of ignorance... on the other hand, I am the puppy being straggled by the world's intolerance and disease. Tell me about the rabbits, George...