Infectious Ire

Over the past several days, I have been taken to a place long forgotten... moments of bloodlust and brutal punishment. I have suppressed these feelings of rage and destruction for many years... it was decided upon by the collective, for in those dark moments the return path is lost. I find it odd, that those voices that decided to issue a reprieve on this behavior are urging it's awakening. At night, those whispers to kill myself have turned solely into, "You need to kill him... we need this.". I am speaking literally... the images that flood my mind are beyond physical punishment or erotic disembowelment. They want carnage and I find myself agreeing with them. For over 16 months now I have been betrayed, abused, humiliated and recently threatened by someone that I once considered family. There would be no art or romance to this exercise of freedom and vengeance... mindless and barbaric compulsion. The acid rises from my stomach, as in my mind I stab him 73 times in the neck... beating further with every last twitch and convulsion. Every tear and pleading cry would go unheard... I would lose all remaining humanity. There is little left as it is... there would be no coming back. My empathy and concern have dwindled... it matters not, that he has an illness and is acting out because of it. I have an illness too... and I don't mindlessly fuck over everyone in my life to profit and protect my delusional state. There are no more excuses... it's not registering and the clerks have gone on their smoke break. He is already dead inside of me... there is nothing left, not one fiber of concern. The emotional switch has been flipped off and the flattened emotions have risen... wrath has returned and the dead lights are shining once more. I don't know how much longer I can ignore these screams that demand justice and protection... I am not too entirely sure I want to either.