The Reflection You Fear

We rise, some in the morning and others in mid-day, each with our mirrors to look upon. For one, they look boldly ready to face another day... proud of where they have been. For another, with a sigh they begin to apply their mask and shield... the perfect plastic face to guide them through another concrete day. Then there is me... it has been years since I could stomach my reflection in the mirror. I have weathered too many storms and countless victims... as my innocence was stolen, I have become a thief to reclaim what was once mine, robbing others. Circles, the perfect and most balanced shape... deep within built of spirals, spinning and turning destined to repeat itself once more. It never stops... perfection. Dizzy and sickened, I wonder how much longer I can withstand this memory and shell. Asking myself why I held on this long... how I long to be taken away. I have tried to wear this mask in attempts to learn the wonders I have missed... the face below rots, the mask can not remain in place. It was a fool hearted plan for I see beyond the mask... I see you and everyone else. Years ago, when I claimed my victims and reveled in the thought of them being with me forever... never would I be alone. If only, I had truly understood what that meant...

An Open Letter...

Data, data, data... we need more data. No, the incessant ramblings from the choir do not count... shut the fuck up, you don't have a say in this matter! Breathe in... it's out there. The past several nights, I have laid awake wrestling over the thoughts and theories... where did I go wrong exactly? What act raised the water, swirling it up into a vomitus squall of emotion? Somethings are never so neatly answered and other times elusive. So here we find ourselves, in this silence... this deafening silence. There must be some way out of here.

Several weeks ago I made an attempt, an awkward invitation as I put it, to initiate a friendship with you... no agenda, just a meeting of the minds to someone I felt was a genuine person. You accepted and things seemed to be off to a rather good start... which surprised me because my social skills are quite inadequate. Then things just stopped. I continued to write to you a few more times and never heard back from you. At first, I thought this was due to you having a busy schedule... time moves differently for me so it is really hard to determine with any accuracy. Soon, my beloved choir began singing me the tales of woe and how I managed to ruin this friendship while the seed was still freshly planted... the soil turned sour by the plowman's hand, my hand. No need to get excited... these words fled my mind to be replaced with all sorts of things I did wrong. Now I am at a loss and in mourning. Tears swelled in my eyes late last night as I lay there wondering how, what, where, when... no answers followed. Emotions were swimming in my head... in the sea of madness. True, I don't understand emotions and I have a very difficult time recognizing the differences, but I do feel them... deep, they cut me deep. Crying over something I really didn't have... I haven't earned the title friend, things were so new. It was the idea of having a friend inside this silent world. Throughout my life, I have collected many acquaintances... people you meet at work or school. You wave and smile, add them to your social network pages, but in reality all you really have are smiling icons... a nice, neat, little collection. Friendship-honesty, loyalty, openness, hope, joy, trust, companionship... the land of milk and honey. Uncertain on what I should do, I write this open letter. Perhaps you will read it one day and know my intentions were pure. Regardless of the silence, my opinions of you haven't changed. I approached you because you seem to be a kind, thoughtful, appreciative and sincere person... one with morals, values and integrity. If only I knew what the future holds. Fearful of writing you again directly, I stand by the wayside. Left, right or down the middle... perhaps we shall cross paths once more.

"There must be some way out of here", said the Joker to the Thief.
"There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief."
"Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth."
"None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."

Where Do We Go From Here?

Just when you think you can't possibly handle any more, life has a way of pushing the envelope just a wee bit further... slicing your cold flesh as warm butter. In April, I discovered that someone very close to me had been stealing my SSI... final amount taken before realizing this offense, $2,280. In December of last year (2009), I was final approved for SSI due to my schizophrenia and my beyond fucked up back... I had tried to apply back in 2002 when I was no longer able to work due to my various mental illnesses. Needless to say, when I was finally approved after I had given up so long ago, I was very relieved and finally started to feel like I was worth a little something. In short, this money represented my "manhood" in a sense. I went to the bank and withdrew my years worth of back pay a few days after the deposit cleared and stored the money for safe keeping in my closet... soon I discovered the rats in the banks also lurked inside the walls of your home as well. Seeing how I don't allow many people in my life, due to my severe paranoia and trust issues, this was more than a betrayal... in fact there are no words to describe the impact this had on my life and how damaging this was to my relationship with this person involved. After much debate and thought, I decided this particular relationship was too important to cast into the void... so we began traveling down the jagged road of reconciliation. Things seemed to be getting better in a manner of speaking, although far from repaired. This person agreed to get a job in their limited free time to begin repaying the money little by little... now 6 months has passed and that has yet to happen and frankly, no efforts to do such have ever been made. Well, today we had a conversation about some "oddities" that have been occurring... for example, they have been spending a lot of money for someone that doesn't have a job or any means of income. I started the conversation with, "Are you familiar with the story, 'Alice In Wonderland' ? "... let's just see how deep this rabbit hole goes, shall we. It turns out, this individual has been stealing my pain medication (Dilaudid) and selling it to people to support their spending habits and luxuries... please insert knife here and twist. I was at a loss for words when this information came to light and even now, I can't begin to describe the impact of such a revelation. I wanted to lash out, I wanted to spill blood... but perhaps they knew I wouldn't and that is why they confessed. There is a good reason why I keep people out of my life.. mainly because I can't handle the disappointment and betrayals that seem to come along with relationships of any degree. If anything, I am grateful that I escaped the irony of being re-payed the debt of my stolen SSI money with money earned by stealing and selling my pain medication on the side... thank goodness for good, old fashioned selfishness and greed.

An Informed Junkie

On the sides of my pain medication bottles are delicate, yellow, lovely labels... do not crush being the one always sings a little louder. The reasoning behind this, one can only guess, but I am assuming it has something to do with the narcotics being released too quickly into the body. Take with food, swallow whole, say a prayer and hold on to your fucking hat. I chew my medication, deliberately... quickly releasing it's soothing effects on my mind. The chills, as they wash away... I am warm once more. The choir has to take a bow, for this is a solo act... no accompaniment is needed and your previous additions have been so delightful. Silence, now. Breathe in the still, stale air... thick with smoke and melancholy. One pill is the maximum dosage for 8hrs, say the friendly reptiles at the pharmaceutical grocery... start with one and slip away, with two or three it all goes away. The waves will rise once more and they shall return to center stage... to dazzle the audience with their opinions and commentary. Can't I enjoy the silence just a little more... I am so tired of the singing. In this empty opera house, the only sounds you can enjoy are my screams and the singing of my rapists.

But I Want A Puppy, Momma

The childish thirst and innocence never fully goes away... we want what we can't have and refuse to settle for the finality of an unfulfilled desire. No means no. When we reach the point of understanding, in a sense we die... out of gas, the drive is gone, the flame extinguished. Perhaps it isn't childish innocence, maybe we were just more alive and determined. Some, they take their puppies home and love them, nurture them and grow with them as equals. Others, they take their puppies home and squeeze them with excitement until the puppy stops twitching and goes limp. A few will go home with people that cast them into a cage and break their spirit... leaving them to lay in their own shit and filth as the skin sags from the lifeless body. Finally, the remaining puppies become an outlet of frustration... beaten, just as the world had beaten their masters. They live low to the ground, whimpering in fear and eyes glazed with tears... but they still come to their master to be beaten yet again. So I ask myself, am I the wanting child still reaching for my puppy? Or am I the child that took one home... if so, how did I raise them? All of those puppies had one thing in common... they were at one time desired and accepted. No, I am not the child filled with desire nor the man filled with accomplishment for my deeds. I am the puppy... crawling low with glassed eyes... waiting.

Fuck ABC, America and Dancing With The Stars

A resounding "FUCK YOU" to the above mentioned... you rat ass, dirty, fucking pieces of shit! How could you send home Shannen Doherty on the first show? Is it because she ISN'T some media whore piece of filth? First off, America, you blind, gullible, ass pirates! Buzz Aldrin received a million votes because it would be considered "unpatriotic" to NOT vote for him because he "landed on the moon". Fuck You! The whole moon landing was filmed in a studio you stupid, fucking sheep! Haven't you figured out by now that EVERYTHING your government tells you is a fucking lie? Go ahead, call me a traitor or unpatriotic, but think before you do. Our forefathers that founded this great nation are rolling in their fucking graves at the mockery America has become and the pieces of shit running this country... including our "messiah" president all of you drones and clones worship. Fuck YOU! Secondly, Kate Gosselin, you media whore, side fucked bitch! She couldn't dance worth a fuck, but she stayed because she NEEDS the attention and is probably sucking someone's cock so she can return to the spotlight and re-exploit her children in the name of "good television". Thirdly, Mr. Ochocinco, for all of the Hispanic community, a loud and strong, "FUCK YOU". You stupid motherfucker, ochocinco is NOT the way you say 85 in Spanish! Ochocinco is #8 and #5... ochenta y cinco is 85, you stupid fuck. You legally changed your name to show the world you are a famous NFL player and an idiot. Finally, ABC, what can I say? You are a powerful television station run by the Illuminati and other "powerful" and corrupt pieces of died up donkey shit. You lie to us on the news, alter history with your filtered information and propaganda and pretty much only want what makes you richer and more "in control". Your company is run by some of the evilest, most despicable and tyrannical people on the face of the Earth... we know about your lies, dirty laundry and cover-ups ( 9/11, JFK, Waco, etc.) - Fuck You!

Shannen Doherty did not deserve the treatment she received tonight. She was growing in her dancing, has an incredible spirit and is a wonderful actress. I don't know her as a person, but I really wish I did... I have been a long term fan of hers for over almost 20 years. Shannen, I doubt you will ever read this blog but I want you to know I voted for you as much as possible both weeks and I think you are an amazing and talented person. Best wishes to you and your family and I hope your father recovers soon and fully from his current health struggles.

Your Words Are Ripping Flesh

Fucking people suck... that's all there is to it. Perhaps it my inability to understand the boundaries of appropriateness when talking with people. I always get thrown into the trash pile before even given a fraction of a chance. I don't know what to do better or how to act the way that is expected... already my mind warps as this becomes all my fault. A week or so ago, my pain specialist asked me, "If you could do anything in this world to make you happy, what would it be?". I looked at her and answered, "I'd be a serial killer.". When asked why, I told her " The sound of hearing someone suffer is soothing to me... I want the world to suffer like I have'". Looking back, it's no wonder I feel this way... I can't wait to get off this rock. Humanity is a disease. I am actually starting to feel happy about the tumor they found in my jaw....

Listen & Feel