Spare The Rod & Spoil The Child

When I was in the 6th grade, I asked my parents if I could change schools... I was being severely bullied and just wanted to be somewhere safe. My choice of course was to enroll into the Christian Academy across the street. The people seemed so nice and friendly... surely Jesus would protect me as well. After all, the school was held inside of a church... nothing bad happens when Jesus is around. Children are so gullible and naive. Rules, rules, rules... don't break the rules! Easier said than done. We had desks that faced the wall, each separated by long wooden planks... so you couldn't see the person beside you or anything in your peripheral vision. Two flags decorated the desk... one American Flag and one Christian Flag. If you needed to speak to a "teacher", you would remove the Christian Flag and place it on top the desk, where it meets the wall, on a little shelf. If you needed to grade your work, you removed the American Flag and placed it again in the same place. A "teacher" would come by and either talk to you about your question or touch you lightly on the shoulder informing you it is safe to get out of your seat to grade your work. I say "teacher" because they didn't teach you a fucking thing... my teacher was a book filled with Christian cartoon characters telling me how to do the work. We had a little booklet for each subject matter and when we finished it, we would get a new booklet with more and more lessons. This was called the P.A.C.E. program. Marks were handed out for infractions... marks meant trouble. Here are a few conditions for receiving a mark. A mistake in grading your work... one mark of each mistake. Turning around at your desk... mark. Speaking during school... mark. Standing without permission... mark. Leaving your desk without permission... mark. Finished with all of your work and NOT reading the Bible to occupy yourself... mark. Three to five marks in one day meant detention after school... 30, 45 or 60 minutes depending on how many marks. Six marks earned in one day meant a "paddling"... it wasn't a fucking "paddling"! You would have to go into the principle's office, lean against his desk and close your eyes. He would breathe heavily in your ear while one hand slowly wrapped itself tight against your pelvic area and then he would beat your ass with great precision with a wooden plank. The "paddle" was around 20-24 inches long, 8 inches wide, 1.5 inches thick, shellacked and had holes drilled into it.... Jesus approved, to be sure. Don't break the rules and you won't get marks.

I remember this girl... she used to smile at me during lunch. One day, I decided to write her a little note saying, "I like you."... innocent kid stuff really. After she read it, she blushed and giggled... I remember feeling so happy, because she liked me too. This joy lasted about 2 minutes... she was dragged back inside the church and interrogated. A few minutes later they came for me... I saw her crying and her face swollen red with anger and shame. I was taken into the office and beaten severely for writing that little note... not just once, but twice and every day for the next week. After I got home from school, beaten once more by my father and my mother had properly cast the demon of lust out of me... I learned what I did that was so wrong. You see, when a man comes of age and is ready to associate with women, Jesus will tell you which woman to approach and court. Then all the things you need to know about relationships, marriage and sex are magically imprinted inside your brain. It is a terrible sin for a 12 yr old boy to "like" a girl and unforgivable for him to express that statement in a note. Just imagine how my life would have turned out, if I hadn't learned that valuable lesson?

The Price Of Heaven

When I was a little boy, around the age of 5-6, my parents began giving us gifts quite frequently... we were quite spoiled to be honest. My father had a very good job working for a major cigarette company as a supervisor so money was the least of our concerns. I would come home from school with my book fair slip and instead of only being allowed to order 1 or 2 books, I could order as many as I wanted. Every Saturday morning we would go to Toys R Us and he would buy me a new G.I. Joe, He-Man or Transformers... often times we could even get two of them. Christmas was a gluttonous feast of presents, as well as birthdays or any occasion one could have to get a gift of some type. By the time I was 7 or 8, between my brother and I, we had the complete G.I.Joe, He-Man and Transformers collections... I also had the Choose Your Own Adventure books, not complete but something like volumes 1-102, it is hard to recall. Well, around that time my Father found Jesus on an old, rugged cross on Sunday morning. He was saved, instantly forgiven for his mortal sins, cured of his alcoholism and guaranteed a mansion in Heaven.. all for the small price of saying I'm sorry and please forgive me, Jesus. What a wonderfully generous opportunity, Hallelujah! Needless to say, things were going to change very quickly in our home and there would be a heavier price to pay for the non-sinner, non alcoholic children in the home... my Mother couldn't have been more pleased. Jesus came to visit her in her room a few nights later and told her that we, the children, were going to suffer a horrible fate and burn in the eternal pits of Hell if we too didn't repent of our evil ways... we needed a purge of our mortal coils. So the following Sunday, after a radical church service, we went home and were instructed to bring all of our worldly possessions out into the backyard. This was a direct order from my Mother and Jesus, so there was no arguing or questioning such a bizarre request. So I gathered all of my toys, books and records and brought them into the backyard... minus the stuffed animals of course, she needed those to torture me for years to come. My Father and Mother were gathered at our sandbox praying... speaking directly with Jesus I assume. They told us to place everything into the sandbox, so we did... don't question your Mother and Jesus! My Mother then told us how Jesus said that the only way we could go to Heaven was to purge ourselves of our worldly possessions. She went on for sometime about us burning in Hell forever and how we could never have peace and would gnash our teeth in torment begging for a peace that would never come. Then my Father handed us, one at a time, a bottle of lighter fluid and my Mother simply said, "Do you want to burn in Hell forever?". At this point we were terrified, all of us screaming and crying, "NO!". She smiled and replied, "Then you must destroy these things of the world, least you destroy your very soul.". So, we sprayed our worldly possessions with lighter fluid and each tossed a match on to the massive pile of sin. We watched our belongs and dirty souls burn in a fiery passion of Christ, thus ensuring our mansions in Heaven... what a glorious day! Oddly enough, that next Christmas we began to receive presents again, basically of the same type... except for He-Man. I guess those new toys were Jesus approved or something or maybe we just deserved the right to sin openly and just ask for forgiveness like the adults do... seeing how we had previously paid our debt. There were new rules to be learned and new prices to pay for our souls... but they didn't come until a little bit later. However, that is another story for another time...

T.O.D. - The Blight Of Organized Religion

"Amazing Grace"


Eat me, eat me-
Sunday morning savior.
I am the flesh-
Bloody Communion wafer.

Praise me, praise me-
Empty headed prayer.
I am the light-
Guilty life layer.

Drink me, drink me-
Forgiveness is restored.
I am the life-
Your alcoholic Lord.

Prasie me, praise me-
Ultimatums or die.
I am the way-
A crucifix and lie.